Monthly Archives: August 2016


So I’m back in Salt Lake and I decided to put my high end floral design business back in order, as you do. I know nothing about floral design outside of my own innate and clearly unpolished sense of aesthetics, but of course. Zaq from Zaqistan once told me I operate like General Patton, in that I just go for it without a plan, which isn’t necessarily the best way to get certain things done. That’s another story, but I kind of think he’s right. I do not give a fuck but totally don’t doubt that I can pull it off, and if I don’t pull it off, fuck it, I tried.


We had to do this wedding for Andy, the drummer from Fuck the Informer, who happens to be my proverbial brother and someone I care about. Fuck man, I’m so tired and apparently going through a breakup at this exact moment and I don’t care and whatever, love hurts sometimes. She’s someone I could write a library about. That’s another story too. Regardless, I felt like I should share the text messages I just sent my mom, word for word.


“Check this out.

So, Erik and I literally almost died from making flowers for Andy’s wedding. I had the brilliant idea of trying to make it as cheap as possible for him, giving him a multiple thousands of dollars wedding for almost nothing, which turned out to be $500 bucks. We “locally sourced” everything except the flowers for the bouquets (hence the real money), and we turned cinderblocks into containers that would likely cost $80-100+ each. So check this out.


We started with these


Gathering some of those hydrangeas with his daughter


Staining stupid blocks


Bags of pedals for pedal girl or whatever.

Clearly locally sourced sunflowers, done at 4 AM because we can’t keep working on these stupid bouquets this late but the pedals have to be done.


Pre pedals


Okay, this is what we have to work with. Notice the bamboo, which is filled with organic fiberglass shards that I’m apparently allergic to.


“Locally sourced” from abandoned buildings


Erik really doing the designing


Pretty aggressive and expensive bouquets




And look.

Mom, I swear, I really try hard at things, even if it doesn’t always show. Thanks for your support, it impacts more people than you know.”